lover of mine

Tell me lover of mine,
what you see in the shadows of my eyes
Can you find the desire?
Do you look at me and fall
Into the depths of my feelings?
Are you the bather
in the liquid substance of my soul?
Tell me everything and more
without saying a word.

Find me lover of mine,
In the secret world I've created
here in the tombs of my bed
Everything will lead you to me.
When you're tired of the quest
listen to the whisperings in the rain
And I'll be there to bring you back
to rest in the warm embrace you searched for.
Find me every time and everywhere,
with your eyes closed.

Listen to me lover of mine,
when I talk without any words
Read me like your favourite book
Hear my heart beating
harder, faster
Be my confidant and my alliance
When everything in me is screaming of hunger
and we'll be more than the hidden sounds
Listen to me when you hear
nothing at all.

Lover of mine,
just be.
-And I'll be yours.-


Dedicated to my beautiful lover, ~Leen~

vampire of mine

Into the twilight zone,
I travel by night.
To get to the core of passion,
Rising, awakening of the awareness.

Thunder calls my anouncement,
while the lightening flashes in my eyes.
Open bedroomwindows,
Here I come - big surprise-

The dampness of my steps on the wooden floor,
A stain of breath on the glass.
Reflecting moonlight when you awake,
Lightening strikes.

Rumbeling and thumbeling,
flaming and burning victory.
Whirling in loose mid air,
You chase me down to still your hunger.

And I,
I've become everything that you behold.
On the top of the hill,
I am the burning fire that runs through your veins.

Dedicated to the new fire in my life ~leen~

lover of my passion

Give me everything I hunger for
and nothing less

Deliver me, bathe me
into stainless blue

Want me, take me
into the depts of your humanity

Move swiftly, burn alive
be the lover of my passion

Hold me, tremble down
let me have your lightning energy

Come undone, kiss me softly
late at night,
you're my rock of empathy

look into this morphed illusionist

My thoughts and emotions

system overload
everything is here
morphed into my mind

Focused awareness
of what is
in a picture that stands still
Duality in the moving world
existence and resistance

Hold the big drama
for the last chance that will arrive soon
Captured alive in the grey mass
of an illusionist
The light will push itself forward

Trough flesh and bones
boundaries and restrictions
Everything is here to fall
into provocative behavior
Look for your faith in me

human revelation

Behind the black holes,
I walk trough the boundaries and freeze
into your blue lagoon
tremble hard, start the engines

Can't think straight,
in the fluorescent and transparent
everything in my mind shivers
and I don't know if you're real anymore

the memories of us I created
just to feel alive
are the ones you'll never see
the hope, the life and the desire

So take a long shot
with the innocence of a child
I look and see
that what you seek is not me
but that's okay
' cause you're only human

Despite the memories
of every second -you and me-
you don't seem to know
that who I've become
has begun with an answer
the arrival, the intertwining with the essence (of beautiful you)


-dedicated to Eln-

passed the test

Going to my final year to become an ambulance nurse, congrats to me!

The starlight quest

Mysterious night and holy black light
ever dwelling trough the soft highlands
A late night call roars trough the air
the hands that sounded the bells are long gone

The red glow of the burning passion
and the smell of the fair young lady
makes the quest go on and on
stripped banners under the fading starlight

The sun arrives an hour to late
on the battlefield of love's warriors
The maiden, the knight and the treason
all has come to an end!

Over the hills,
the sharp light of a new promise
The quest to find who I seek
scars and scratches is what I earned
redemption and freedom I have conquered

Naked riding on the white horse
I find this girl on an blue little island of stone
powerfully I grasp her hand and take her with me
Wildered she looks at me,
while we ride with the fury of the wind

Over the graveyards of my past
and the roads that are my memories
I seek for the starlight in the sky
Slightly covered by a cloud
She smiles and I feel alive.

The purity of me.

Well well,

I've been so very busy lately I nearly didn't find the time to write.
I think I can safely say that I'm okay now, life's not so very dark anymore.
So what did I do to become so strong, pure and full of life?
First of all I want to thank my friends, Do and Femke for being so concerned about me and listen to all my complains of life in general. Not to forget my little sis' Veve who stuck by my in the early hours of the morning while I was feeling so tired of living in general. I owe my whole gratitude to you girls!
But: most important maybe, I need to thank myself.

I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was, I really discovered sides of me I didn't know before.
Needless to say I'm a lot happier with myself and a lot of life wisdom richer.
I find myself a more grown up, stronger and (the important part) more pure.
I know what I want, what I like and what I don't like, how to cope with life events and that I'm capable of doing things my way, I'm a amazing person sometimes and I still surprise myself from time to time. I see my path in life a lot better know, which I'm grateful for.

So what did I do?
I've finally given up the one thing I was so afraid of losing, my hope.
And somehow I managed to fill this lost hope with new more furfilling hope.
Call me a dreamer, call me a lover but I have restored my dreams.
They're somewhat different from the ones I had before, but they still are my dreams and goals to achieve.
How I was able to do that I don't know, I think it had much to do with the good social network I have. And the network is still growing..

I subscribed myself to a forum and got to know a lot of people that are very interesting.
Almost every week people are adding me to their msn address, some are nice to talk to some are a little less interesting but I can't complain. It's an ego boost, something I very much needed.
And yes, there's a possibility that I'm starting to fall in love with someone, but it's to early to really say I'm heavy in love. But it's a nice feeling, a nice vibe that's running trough my veins. I have no intention of stopping it or to do something about it, it feels good and I feel good. That's the important thing, I believe that I deserve it. And if I fall completely in love but it turns out that it's not going to happen with this person I won't feel sad. Instead I will enjoy the feeling I get from her, and seek for the next horizon. The worst thing that can happen is that we remain friends, and that's not so bad is it?

So as you can read, I'm doing pretty fine. I feel so good to be me, it's almost becoming egocentric. But I realize that there are more people who don't feel as good as me within their skin, so maybe I must be thankful for this time that I do feel good. It's always when you think you're happy, you find something to worry about. For me it's although I feel good about myself, I don't want to become egocentric. But maybe it's just the afterwards rebound thing that makes me feel so superhappy. I don't know, I can only guess. Whatever it is (I know that I'm writing very much in chaos now) I'm enjoying my life now, every day and every minute of it.

I'm free of the daily sorrow, the burden of the world doesn't sit on my shoulders, the end of my alter ego Droop seems not so harsh anymore.
I'm truly happy, who can say that these days?

lucid dream

I'm the transparent wind
floating, whispering trough the oak tree
the lucid dream you're in
opens a world of wondering

In the iris of your thoughts
you find a moving soul
white feathers in the wind
are following your every move

As the wind tumbles down your neck
you close your eyes
and lay down against the old tree
in the iris of your thoughts
you find a lucid me

the starshine girl

Walk away and turn your head
to discover a distinct feeling
here in the light of everything
I sit down and behold
the starshine glow that
embraces you
attracts my curiosity

Look trough me
and find my inner self
looking at you
as you are watching me
in the private light of my emotion
you are.

dedicated to the starshine I got to know a little bit better.

~Eln~

my process of healing so far...(by rufus wainwright)

Cigarettes and chocolate milk

cigarettes and chocolate milk
these are just a couple of my cravings
everything it seems i like's a little bit stronger
a little bit thicker a little bit harmful for me

if i should buy jellybeans
have to eat them all in just one sitting
everything it seems i like's a little bit sweeter
a little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

and then there's those other things
which for several reasons we won't mention
everything about them is a little bit stranger
a little bit harder, a little bit deadly

it isn't very smart
tends to make one part so broken-hearted

sitting here remembering me
always been a shoe made for the city
go ahead, accuse me of just singing about places
with scrappy boys faces
have general run of the townplaying
with prodigal songstakes a lot of sentimental valiums

can't expect the world to be your raggedy andy
while running on empty
you little old doll with a frown

you got to keep in the game
maintaining mystique while facing forward
i suggest a reading of 'a lesson in tightropes'or 'surfing your high hopes' or 'adios kansas'
it isn't very smart
tends to make one part so broken-hearted

still there's not a show on my backholes
or a friendly intervention
i'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit irish
a little bit tower of pisa whenever i see you

so please be kind if i'm a mess
cigarettes and chocolate milk



The tower of learning.

I'm looking for the tower of learning
I'm looking for the copious prize

I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for
I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for
I really do fear that I'm dying
I really do fear that I'm dead
I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for

I saw it in your eyes what will make me live
All the sights of Paris
Pale inside your iris
Tip the Eiffel Tower with one glance
Stained glass cathedrals with one glint
You smashed it with your eyes
What I'm looking for

One blink and then my heart wasn't there no more
I'm looking for the tower of learning
I'm looking for the copious prize

Go or go ahead

Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but what has happened to love

You got me writing lyrics on postcards
Then in the evening looking at the stars
But the brightest of the planets is Mars
Then what has happened to love

So I will opt for the big white limo
Vanity fairgrounds and rebel angels
You can't be trusted with feathers so hollow
Your heaven's inventions, steel eyed vampires of love

You see over me, I'll never know
What you have shown to other eyes
Go or go ahead and surprise me
Say you've lead the way to a mirage
Go or go ahead and just try me

Nowhere's now here smelling of junipers
Fell of the hay bales, I'm over the rainbows
But of Medusa kiss me and crucify
This unholy notion of the mythic power of love

Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Go or go ahead

Foolish love
I don't want to hold you and feel so helpless
I don't want to smell you and lose my senses
And smile in slow motion
With eyes in love

I twist like a corkscrew
The sweetness rising
I drink from the bottle, weeping
Why won't you last?Why can't you last

So i will walk without care
Beat my snare
Look like a man who means business
Go to all the poshest places
With their familiar faces
Terminate all signs of weakness
Oh, all for the sake of a foolish love

I will take my coffee black
Never snack
Hang with the wolves who are sheepish
Flow through the veins of town
Always frown
Me and my mistress, the princess
Oh, all for the sake of a foolish love

So the day noah's ark floats down park
My eyes will be simply glazed over
Or better yet
I'll wear shades on sunless days
And when the sun's out, i'll stay in and slumber
Oh, all for the sake of a foolish love

All for the sake of a foolish love
Cause i don't want to hold you and feel so helpless
I don't want to smell you and lose my senses
And smile in slow motion
With eyes in love

Evil Angel

For to see my depth of sorrow
You are not allowed to follow me
Into this town square
And then run away

Evil angel with your cleft tongue
When you kissed me
On this town square
All the lights came on at sunset
Thought you'd stay

Evil angel bearing apples
When you kissed me
On this drawbridge
As the boats do
How was I to know you'd flee

Tear down these monuments
Bury the coat of arms
And build for me a factory

Evil angel when you're faced with hatred's
Daggers in my honor
You're no match no scratching hearts that no longer bleed

Oh Evil angel tear down the monuments
Evil angel Bury the coat of arms
And rebuild for me these memories
For to see my depth of sorrow

-author: rufus wainwright-

Ecce Imperatrix

Verdwaald tussen éénpersoons wereldrijken

Ergert ze zich aan haar bestaan.

Roemloos loopt ze door de stad die haar

Leven koortsachtig in stand poogt te houden.

Ogen kijken sierlijk om haar heen

En geen mond beantwoordt haar weeklacht.

Door haar lichaam glijden aders vol

Eenmalig genot en doelgerichte nutteloosheid.

Rovers en woekeraars weten zich te sterken

In de schaduwen van haar kille mantels.

Noodgedwongen toont ze zichzelf in het

Geel licht van de machteloze zon.

-author unknown-

this is a text that I got from a friend who got it from a friend,

but I think this is to good and reflects me a while ago when suffering from terrible heartache.

So I'd like to dedicate this to sporty,

and us in happier times,

never to be forgotten,

1 romance and 2 lives forever changed.

naked on the white horse

Ride the white horse
don't stop
Faster, harder
Run into my future

I know you're there
looking up in disbelief
on this blue little stone i've been waiting
As I watched the leaves and dead wood burn

Naked on the white horse
you appear to be -surrounded by light-
and you pick me up
my savior from this desolate island.

Forever smiling
both are naked on the white horse
Faster, harder they go
into my future

amber rain

I am the falling amber rain
loss of all control
Shifting colors, changing shape
lightened by the summersun
Forever dreaming
birth, death and the reborn

Clocks in the dead wood
are still ticking into eternity
Remains of blood on my chest
washed away by the amber rain
That is still falling from my eyes
I sit down and overlook
the fallen leaves on our grave

Gifted child with the red ribbon
take this ball of fire that I've been saving
Burn the leaves and the dead wood
no amber rain can put the fire out
Take it red ribboned child
while I walk away under the amber rain

Two steps forwards, one backwards

For the ones still reading,

My emotional life is still twisting and turning, up and down, up and down...
*Sigh* It seems like there comes no end to it.
And I just realised, that maybe, just maybe it is the part of me that doesn't want to let her go that's causing this.
For the crazy people who can follow -good-
For those who can't, let me explain.

If I want to move on, I'd have to let her go.
And if I DO let her go, that means I'm over her and my emotional life becomes normal again.
But if I let her go now, there's no chance of coming back together.
So this part of me that's still hoping everything will work out and we'll be fine is keeping me from moving on.

So what do I have to do, to move on?
It seems to me I would have to give up hope.
Give up hope, now there's something to think about huh?
I've always been told to never give your hope up.

Hope means everything, it means survival for the human spirit.
Without hope, what would become of all of us?
Hope, an almost forgotten emotion, and yet a very powerful thing.
Think of the religics, these days catholics say they don't believe in God, but they still pray when things are going bad for them.
A last resort.

I'm no exception on this matter.
God alone knows how much I've been praying last weeks.
Praying to take the pain away, to make me forget, to make everything better, to get her back, just name it and I've asked the Big spirit up there.
I didn't prayed to God alone, no, I've been calling my grandparents and even my dog and cat to help me.
To stand by my side and to guide me trough this trial I have to go trough to become a better person.
And I believe it helps.

Call me weird, call me religious, but honestly I find it soulhealing.
The pain is still in me, but I believe they took a big piece for me and blew it into eternity.
And with all the praying that -obviously- I had to do, I searched the sky for the brightest star I could find.
Why? Well I named it after my ex, and for me it stands for everything I believed in.
It's a perfect resemblance of what she means to me.
Something you can't see all the time, but that's still there, and even if you can't see it, you just feel and know that it's there.
I find it a nice thought, that I can send all my love, and all my other thoughts to that star.

Btw: the star is the outher end of the big bear.

seeking redemption and the point of no return

Dear everyone

Well it's been a while since my last post so I'm back.
The last few days I'm starting to build my life back up, I guess there's no point being depressed.
I've been travelling in a kayak, saw the pirates of the caribbean 2, been out...
And although I'm still in a lot of subconcious pain, I'm learning how to cope with the loss.

Subconcious, yes you've read it right.
In my sleep I'm still haunted with memories of her, of us.
The bigger part of those dreams handle the subject of being back together and me being happy.
But, the truth is never far away, in a blink of my eye everything starts falling apart and I realise that there's no more us.
Wake up in tears, that still happens to me.

The good news is, that although the pain is not gone by far, I've given it a place somewhere inside me.
I still cry from time to time, I guess that's normal.
For the last two days, I'm doing as fine as I can be, the pain has gone to this place somewhere.
I don't wish for us to be back together anymore, and I don't have that craving that I need to see her (or to make her see)
I've given up, I don't wish to spend my energy on these things because I need every energy that I can get to deal with this situation.

Actually, I have listened to the monologue my ex had with me on the phone.
Yes there are worst things in the world, and yes I need to keep myself busy and not so hard focussed on my pain.
Although I was so angry on her the moment she said it, it has some truth in it.
And maybe the angry part helped a bit, it's easier to hate than to love.
I'm starting to build a shield against her, to drag her out of my heart.
I may seem cold and harsh now, but in this case I have to do everything I can to protect myself.

So I can conclude that I'm starting to stand up and walk away from this.
It's strange, and I'm sure I will fall many times but I'm sure I will succeed in this quest for redemption.
I will find love again, I will move on and I will live once again.
The filth will all be washed away, the stain will remain but in a controlled area deep inside.
Never again, will I allow her to come that close to the core of my being, I don't want to go trough all this again.
So this is the point of no return for me I guess.

I made it to the next level in healing the broken heart.
disbelief, anger, bargening, depression and acceptation, so that puts me in the anger box I think.
Only 3 to go..

the heartbroken writer.

Dear readers,

For the first time since I started this blog, I'm going to talk to you this way.
The last text/poem I made will be the last of my hand for a long period.
Why, you ask?
Well my inspiration for every word on this blog has left me, and I just can't cope with it.
That's why.

I'm lost in this world, I feel more alone than I've ever been.
And don't forget the hurting part, although I'm managing to live with it, to carry it with me where ever I go.
So why is that? How do you go on with your life when nothing makes sence anymore?
Why start looking for something to fill the hole of desertion in your chest.
Why can't I be angry on the hurter, for leaving me?

Instead I fall more and more in love with her as the days go by.
Last night I dreamed about my wedding with her, I saw every detail of it.
The rings, family, church, her in the most unbelievable sexy/cute way right next to me giving me a sweet little kiss before the ceremony begins...
And I was so freakin' happy.

Why is that? Why are we still together in my head? Even though I cry every time I realize it isn't so, I still hang on to us being together.
Not healthy I guess, but for that short while I pretend nothing has happened I feel no pain.
Frankly I would do anything to not feel the pain.
And every thing I do, hear or see, reminds me of us.
It's just not fair and I can't do anything to make things better.

I don't know how long it's going to be this way and that makes me panic.
I just want to see her, giver her a kiss and a hug and pretend this never happened.
I don't care what other people may think, I just want my life and my dreams back.
Many of you may think I'm going crazy by now (maybe I am) and that all this will pass, that I will go on with my life.
But I'm so afraid.
I'm afraid of loving her this much, that I can hardly bare the thought of not growing old with her.
And if I move on, no one can even get close to what I had this last 5 years.

I just can't breathe without thinking of her, I can't go to sleep before I txtmessage her, I dream of happier times about us, I can't eat without having the feeling to vomit, ...
Many of us have gone trough this, I know.
And maybe, just maybe I will find love again.
But I will always have regret about what I lost just now.
Always.

love -riapsed-

I believe in my love
tub ouy dellik em
and I'm still the same person
ylno won m'I touhtiw uoy
feeling like our first day together -such great love-
doodeg ijm tbeh 'g

I try -macy gray-

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together, babe
But we're not

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feeling

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
And I may seem all right and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
Just a front, heyI play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feeling

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possession
Girl, I need your touch
Your love kisses and such

With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
DenyI play it off, but I'm dreaming of you(but I'm dreaming of you babe)
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feeling

I try to say goodbye and I choke (yeah)
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near(when you are not near aahh)
Goodbye and I choke (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble (hey, hey, hey)
Though I try to hide it, it's clear (sick of love)
My world crumbles when you are not near (your love, kisses and)

Goodbye and I choke (I'm choking)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near(when you are not there, yeah, yeah yeah)
Yeah, yeah..