seeking redemption and the point of no return

Dear everyone

Well it's been a while since my last post so I'm back.
The last few days I'm starting to build my life back up, I guess there's no point being depressed.
I've been travelling in a kayak, saw the pirates of the caribbean 2, been out...
And although I'm still in a lot of subconcious pain, I'm learning how to cope with the loss.

Subconcious, yes you've read it right.
In my sleep I'm still haunted with memories of her, of us.
The bigger part of those dreams handle the subject of being back together and me being happy.
But, the truth is never far away, in a blink of my eye everything starts falling apart and I realise that there's no more us.
Wake up in tears, that still happens to me.

The good news is, that although the pain is not gone by far, I've given it a place somewhere inside me.
I still cry from time to time, I guess that's normal.
For the last two days, I'm doing as fine as I can be, the pain has gone to this place somewhere.
I don't wish for us to be back together anymore, and I don't have that craving that I need to see her (or to make her see)
I've given up, I don't wish to spend my energy on these things because I need every energy that I can get to deal with this situation.

Actually, I have listened to the monologue my ex had with me on the phone.
Yes there are worst things in the world, and yes I need to keep myself busy and not so hard focussed on my pain.
Although I was so angry on her the moment she said it, it has some truth in it.
And maybe the angry part helped a bit, it's easier to hate than to love.
I'm starting to build a shield against her, to drag her out of my heart.
I may seem cold and harsh now, but in this case I have to do everything I can to protect myself.

So I can conclude that I'm starting to stand up and walk away from this.
It's strange, and I'm sure I will fall many times but I'm sure I will succeed in this quest for redemption.
I will find love again, I will move on and I will live once again.
The filth will all be washed away, the stain will remain but in a controlled area deep inside.
Never again, will I allow her to come that close to the core of my being, I don't want to go trough all this again.
So this is the point of no return for me I guess.

I made it to the next level in healing the broken heart.
disbelief, anger, bargening, depression and acceptation, so that puts me in the anger box I think.
Only 3 to go..