the heartbroken writer.

Dear readers,

For the first time since I started this blog, I'm going to talk to you this way.
The last text/poem I made will be the last of my hand for a long period.
Why, you ask?
Well my inspiration for every word on this blog has left me, and I just can't cope with it.
That's why.

I'm lost in this world, I feel more alone than I've ever been.
And don't forget the hurting part, although I'm managing to live with it, to carry it with me where ever I go.
So why is that? How do you go on with your life when nothing makes sence anymore?
Why start looking for something to fill the hole of desertion in your chest.
Why can't I be angry on the hurter, for leaving me?

Instead I fall more and more in love with her as the days go by.
Last night I dreamed about my wedding with her, I saw every detail of it.
The rings, family, church, her in the most unbelievable sexy/cute way right next to me giving me a sweet little kiss before the ceremony begins...
And I was so freakin' happy.

Why is that? Why are we still together in my head? Even though I cry every time I realize it isn't so, I still hang on to us being together.
Not healthy I guess, but for that short while I pretend nothing has happened I feel no pain.
Frankly I would do anything to not feel the pain.
And every thing I do, hear or see, reminds me of us.
It's just not fair and I can't do anything to make things better.

I don't know how long it's going to be this way and that makes me panic.
I just want to see her, giver her a kiss and a hug and pretend this never happened.
I don't care what other people may think, I just want my life and my dreams back.
Many of you may think I'm going crazy by now (maybe I am) and that all this will pass, that I will go on with my life.
But I'm so afraid.
I'm afraid of loving her this much, that I can hardly bare the thought of not growing old with her.
And if I move on, no one can even get close to what I had this last 5 years.

I just can't breathe without thinking of her, I can't go to sleep before I txtmessage her, I dream of happier times about us, I can't eat without having the feeling to vomit, ...
Many of us have gone trough this, I know.
And maybe, just maybe I will find love again.
But I will always have regret about what I lost just now.
Always.