look into this morphed illusionist

My thoughts and emotions

system overload
everything is here
morphed into my mind

Focused awareness
of what is
in a picture that stands still
Duality in the moving world
existence and resistance

Hold the big drama
for the last chance that will arrive soon
Captured alive in the grey mass
of an illusionist
The light will push itself forward

Trough flesh and bones
boundaries and restrictions
Everything is here to fall
into provocative behavior
Look for your faith in me

human revelation

Behind the black holes,
I walk trough the boundaries and freeze
into your blue lagoon
tremble hard, start the engines

Can't think straight,
in the fluorescent and transparent
everything in my mind shivers
and I don't know if you're real anymore

the memories of us I created
just to feel alive
are the ones you'll never see
the hope, the life and the desire

So take a long shot
with the innocence of a child
I look and see
that what you seek is not me
but that's okay
' cause you're only human

Despite the memories
of every second -you and me-
you don't seem to know
that who I've become
has begun with an answer
the arrival, the intertwining with the essence (of beautiful you)


-dedicated to Eln-

passed the test

Going to my final year to become an ambulance nurse, congrats to me!

The starlight quest

Mysterious night and holy black light
ever dwelling trough the soft highlands
A late night call roars trough the air
the hands that sounded the bells are long gone

The red glow of the burning passion
and the smell of the fair young lady
makes the quest go on and on
stripped banners under the fading starlight

The sun arrives an hour to late
on the battlefield of love's warriors
The maiden, the knight and the treason
all has come to an end!

Over the hills,
the sharp light of a new promise
The quest to find who I seek
scars and scratches is what I earned
redemption and freedom I have conquered

Naked riding on the white horse
I find this girl on an blue little island of stone
powerfully I grasp her hand and take her with me
Wildered she looks at me,
while we ride with the fury of the wind

Over the graveyards of my past
and the roads that are my memories
I seek for the starlight in the sky
Slightly covered by a cloud
She smiles and I feel alive.

The purity of me.

Well well,

I've been so very busy lately I nearly didn't find the time to write.
I think I can safely say that I'm okay now, life's not so very dark anymore.
So what did I do to become so strong, pure and full of life?
First of all I want to thank my friends, Do and Femke for being so concerned about me and listen to all my complains of life in general. Not to forget my little sis' Veve who stuck by my in the early hours of the morning while I was feeling so tired of living in general. I owe my whole gratitude to you girls!
But: most important maybe, I need to thank myself.

I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was, I really discovered sides of me I didn't know before.
Needless to say I'm a lot happier with myself and a lot of life wisdom richer.
I find myself a more grown up, stronger and (the important part) more pure.
I know what I want, what I like and what I don't like, how to cope with life events and that I'm capable of doing things my way, I'm a amazing person sometimes and I still surprise myself from time to time. I see my path in life a lot better know, which I'm grateful for.

So what did I do?
I've finally given up the one thing I was so afraid of losing, my hope.
And somehow I managed to fill this lost hope with new more furfilling hope.
Call me a dreamer, call me a lover but I have restored my dreams.
They're somewhat different from the ones I had before, but they still are my dreams and goals to achieve.
How I was able to do that I don't know, I think it had much to do with the good social network I have. And the network is still growing..

I subscribed myself to a forum and got to know a lot of people that are very interesting.
Almost every week people are adding me to their msn address, some are nice to talk to some are a little less interesting but I can't complain. It's an ego boost, something I very much needed.
And yes, there's a possibility that I'm starting to fall in love with someone, but it's to early to really say I'm heavy in love. But it's a nice feeling, a nice vibe that's running trough my veins. I have no intention of stopping it or to do something about it, it feels good and I feel good. That's the important thing, I believe that I deserve it. And if I fall completely in love but it turns out that it's not going to happen with this person I won't feel sad. Instead I will enjoy the feeling I get from her, and seek for the next horizon. The worst thing that can happen is that we remain friends, and that's not so bad is it?

So as you can read, I'm doing pretty fine. I feel so good to be me, it's almost becoming egocentric. But I realize that there are more people who don't feel as good as me within their skin, so maybe I must be thankful for this time that I do feel good. It's always when you think you're happy, you find something to worry about. For me it's although I feel good about myself, I don't want to become egocentric. But maybe it's just the afterwards rebound thing that makes me feel so superhappy. I don't know, I can only guess. Whatever it is (I know that I'm writing very much in chaos now) I'm enjoying my life now, every day and every minute of it.

I'm free of the daily sorrow, the burden of the world doesn't sit on my shoulders, the end of my alter ego Droop seems not so harsh anymore.
I'm truly happy, who can say that these days?

lucid dream

I'm the transparent wind
floating, whispering trough the oak tree
the lucid dream you're in
opens a world of wondering

In the iris of your thoughts
you find a moving soul
white feathers in the wind
are following your every move

As the wind tumbles down your neck
you close your eyes
and lay down against the old tree
in the iris of your thoughts
you find a lucid me

the starshine girl

Walk away and turn your head
to discover a distinct feeling
here in the light of everything
I sit down and behold
the starshine glow that
embraces you
attracts my curiosity

Look trough me
and find my inner self
looking at you
as you are watching me
in the private light of my emotion
you are.

dedicated to the starshine I got to know a little bit better.

~Eln~