Two steps forwards, one backwards

For the ones still reading,

My emotional life is still twisting and turning, up and down, up and down...
*Sigh* It seems like there comes no end to it.
And I just realised, that maybe, just maybe it is the part of me that doesn't want to let her go that's causing this.
For the crazy people who can follow -good-
For those who can't, let me explain.

If I want to move on, I'd have to let her go.
And if I DO let her go, that means I'm over her and my emotional life becomes normal again.
But if I let her go now, there's no chance of coming back together.
So this part of me that's still hoping everything will work out and we'll be fine is keeping me from moving on.

So what do I have to do, to move on?
It seems to me I would have to give up hope.
Give up hope, now there's something to think about huh?
I've always been told to never give your hope up.

Hope means everything, it means survival for the human spirit.
Without hope, what would become of all of us?
Hope, an almost forgotten emotion, and yet a very powerful thing.
Think of the religics, these days catholics say they don't believe in God, but they still pray when things are going bad for them.
A last resort.

I'm no exception on this matter.
God alone knows how much I've been praying last weeks.
Praying to take the pain away, to make me forget, to make everything better, to get her back, just name it and I've asked the Big spirit up there.
I didn't prayed to God alone, no, I've been calling my grandparents and even my dog and cat to help me.
To stand by my side and to guide me trough this trial I have to go trough to become a better person.
And I believe it helps.

Call me weird, call me religious, but honestly I find it soulhealing.
The pain is still in me, but I believe they took a big piece for me and blew it into eternity.
And with all the praying that -obviously- I had to do, I searched the sky for the brightest star I could find.
Why? Well I named it after my ex, and for me it stands for everything I believed in.
It's a perfect resemblance of what she means to me.
Something you can't see all the time, but that's still there, and even if you can't see it, you just feel and know that it's there.
I find it a nice thought, that I can send all my love, and all my other thoughts to that star.

Btw: the star is the outher end of the big bear.

seeking redemption and the point of no return

Dear everyone

Well it's been a while since my last post so I'm back.
The last few days I'm starting to build my life back up, I guess there's no point being depressed.
I've been travelling in a kayak, saw the pirates of the caribbean 2, been out...
And although I'm still in a lot of subconcious pain, I'm learning how to cope with the loss.

Subconcious, yes you've read it right.
In my sleep I'm still haunted with memories of her, of us.
The bigger part of those dreams handle the subject of being back together and me being happy.
But, the truth is never far away, in a blink of my eye everything starts falling apart and I realise that there's no more us.
Wake up in tears, that still happens to me.

The good news is, that although the pain is not gone by far, I've given it a place somewhere inside me.
I still cry from time to time, I guess that's normal.
For the last two days, I'm doing as fine as I can be, the pain has gone to this place somewhere.
I don't wish for us to be back together anymore, and I don't have that craving that I need to see her (or to make her see)
I've given up, I don't wish to spend my energy on these things because I need every energy that I can get to deal with this situation.

Actually, I have listened to the monologue my ex had with me on the phone.
Yes there are worst things in the world, and yes I need to keep myself busy and not so hard focussed on my pain.
Although I was so angry on her the moment she said it, it has some truth in it.
And maybe the angry part helped a bit, it's easier to hate than to love.
I'm starting to build a shield against her, to drag her out of my heart.
I may seem cold and harsh now, but in this case I have to do everything I can to protect myself.

So I can conclude that I'm starting to stand up and walk away from this.
It's strange, and I'm sure I will fall many times but I'm sure I will succeed in this quest for redemption.
I will find love again, I will move on and I will live once again.
The filth will all be washed away, the stain will remain but in a controlled area deep inside.
Never again, will I allow her to come that close to the core of my being, I don't want to go trough all this again.
So this is the point of no return for me I guess.

I made it to the next level in healing the broken heart.
disbelief, anger, bargening, depression and acceptation, so that puts me in the anger box I think.
Only 3 to go..

the heartbroken writer.

Dear readers,

For the first time since I started this blog, I'm going to talk to you this way.
The last text/poem I made will be the last of my hand for a long period.
Why, you ask?
Well my inspiration for every word on this blog has left me, and I just can't cope with it.
That's why.

I'm lost in this world, I feel more alone than I've ever been.
And don't forget the hurting part, although I'm managing to live with it, to carry it with me where ever I go.
So why is that? How do you go on with your life when nothing makes sence anymore?
Why start looking for something to fill the hole of desertion in your chest.
Why can't I be angry on the hurter, for leaving me?

Instead I fall more and more in love with her as the days go by.
Last night I dreamed about my wedding with her, I saw every detail of it.
The rings, family, church, her in the most unbelievable sexy/cute way right next to me giving me a sweet little kiss before the ceremony begins...
And I was so freakin' happy.

Why is that? Why are we still together in my head? Even though I cry every time I realize it isn't so, I still hang on to us being together.
Not healthy I guess, but for that short while I pretend nothing has happened I feel no pain.
Frankly I would do anything to not feel the pain.
And every thing I do, hear or see, reminds me of us.
It's just not fair and I can't do anything to make things better.

I don't know how long it's going to be this way and that makes me panic.
I just want to see her, giver her a kiss and a hug and pretend this never happened.
I don't care what other people may think, I just want my life and my dreams back.
Many of you may think I'm going crazy by now (maybe I am) and that all this will pass, that I will go on with my life.
But I'm so afraid.
I'm afraid of loving her this much, that I can hardly bare the thought of not growing old with her.
And if I move on, no one can even get close to what I had this last 5 years.

I just can't breathe without thinking of her, I can't go to sleep before I txtmessage her, I dream of happier times about us, I can't eat without having the feeling to vomit, ...
Many of us have gone trough this, I know.
And maybe, just maybe I will find love again.
But I will always have regret about what I lost just now.
Always.

love -riapsed-

I believe in my love
tub ouy dellik em
and I'm still the same person
ylno won m'I touhtiw uoy
feeling like our first day together -such great love-
doodeg ijm tbeh 'g

I try -macy gray-

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together, babe
But we're not

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feeling

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
And I may seem all right and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
Just a front, heyI play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feeling

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possession
Girl, I need your touch
Your love kisses and such

With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
DenyI play it off, but I'm dreaming of you(but I'm dreaming of you babe)
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feeling

I try to say goodbye and I choke (yeah)
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near(when you are not near aahh)
Goodbye and I choke (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble (hey, hey, hey)
Though I try to hide it, it's clear (sick of love)
My world crumbles when you are not near (your love, kisses and)

Goodbye and I choke (I'm choking)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near(when you are not there, yeah, yeah yeah)
Yeah, yeah..

the glass woman and the absolute silence

I am looking at your emptyness

standing on the edge of this huge black hole

you are the glass statue

I have to jump to reach

Absolute silence

Driven by madness that's inside

I make the jump

Over deep dark absolute silence

Where you are, I can not follow

Big treathening bushes are tearing me apart

scratched, bleeding, black eyed me

I'm running, I'm running

Grabbing hold of the image of you and me

Burning my hand -flaming eyes-

I'm running, I am running

Never mind the scars

shadows of you are around me

pushing me to go on with my search

searching, running, catching up (?)

Barely alive

Barely alive

Barely alive

Suddenly my skin gets ripped apart

From the glass woman

Fire in my eyes, torn apart, barely hanging on

I've cut my heart to pieces with the remains of my glass woman

As I lay dying and bleeding on the grass

She comes back and kneels

The last moment of us

And I dissapear in absolute silence

To my glass woman.

representing my feelings at this moment

scars and stains

I'm nothing but a memory of your mind

doubts and losing of faith

you ask yourself so much questions late at night

I'm sorry of what I did

in my heart you lay down

to watch me fall apart

Late at night

I am the screaming soul

the absence of words

Finally the mask has fallen
you reveal yourself to me
But what I hear -words tumbeling down-
take a hold of me

Biting, piercing, stabbing words

I am in despare
the cold grip of desertion around my chest
My fear turns into water
my lungs start to drown

Fighting, killing, absence of words

I'm on the edge of losing you
my lover, my friend and my life
And I cannot believe
That the chaos you've left
Is my own to begin with

Absence of words,
I'm afraid -of you-