the starshine girl

Walk away and turn your head
to discover a distinct feeling
here in the light of everything
I sit down and behold
the starshine glow that
embraces you
attracts my curiosity

Look trough me
and find my inner self
looking at you
as you are watching me
in the private light of my emotion
you are.

dedicated to the starshine I got to know a little bit better.

~Eln~

my process of healing so far...(by rufus wainwright)

Cigarettes and chocolate milk

cigarettes and chocolate milk
these are just a couple of my cravings
everything it seems i like's a little bit stronger
a little bit thicker a little bit harmful for me

if i should buy jellybeans
have to eat them all in just one sitting
everything it seems i like's a little bit sweeter
a little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

and then there's those other things
which for several reasons we won't mention
everything about them is a little bit stranger
a little bit harder, a little bit deadly

it isn't very smart
tends to make one part so broken-hearted

sitting here remembering me
always been a shoe made for the city
go ahead, accuse me of just singing about places
with scrappy boys faces
have general run of the townplaying
with prodigal songstakes a lot of sentimental valiums

can't expect the world to be your raggedy andy
while running on empty
you little old doll with a frown

you got to keep in the game
maintaining mystique while facing forward
i suggest a reading of 'a lesson in tightropes'or 'surfing your high hopes' or 'adios kansas'
it isn't very smart
tends to make one part so broken-hearted

still there's not a show on my backholes
or a friendly intervention
i'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit irish
a little bit tower of pisa whenever i see you

so please be kind if i'm a mess
cigarettes and chocolate milk



The tower of learning.

I'm looking for the tower of learning
I'm looking for the copious prize

I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for
I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for
I really do fear that I'm dying
I really do fear that I'm dead
I saw it in your eyes what I'm looking for

I saw it in your eyes what will make me live
All the sights of Paris
Pale inside your iris
Tip the Eiffel Tower with one glance
Stained glass cathedrals with one glint
You smashed it with your eyes
What I'm looking for

One blink and then my heart wasn't there no more
I'm looking for the tower of learning
I'm looking for the copious prize

Go or go ahead

Thank you for this bitter knowledge
Guardian angels who left me stranded
It was worth it, feeling abandoned
Makes one hardened but what has happened to love

You got me writing lyrics on postcards
Then in the evening looking at the stars
But the brightest of the planets is Mars
Then what has happened to love

So I will opt for the big white limo
Vanity fairgrounds and rebel angels
You can't be trusted with feathers so hollow
Your heaven's inventions, steel eyed vampires of love

You see over me, I'll never know
What you have shown to other eyes
Go or go ahead and surprise me
Say you've lead the way to a mirage
Go or go ahead and just try me

Nowhere's now here smelling of junipers
Fell of the hay bales, I'm over the rainbows
But of Medusa kiss me and crucify
This unholy notion of the mythic power of love

Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Look in her eyes, look in her eyes
Forget about the ones that are crying
Go or go ahead

Foolish love
I don't want to hold you and feel so helpless
I don't want to smell you and lose my senses
And smile in slow motion
With eyes in love

I twist like a corkscrew
The sweetness rising
I drink from the bottle, weeping
Why won't you last?Why can't you last

So i will walk without care
Beat my snare
Look like a man who means business
Go to all the poshest places
With their familiar faces
Terminate all signs of weakness
Oh, all for the sake of a foolish love

I will take my coffee black
Never snack
Hang with the wolves who are sheepish
Flow through the veins of town
Always frown
Me and my mistress, the princess
Oh, all for the sake of a foolish love

So the day noah's ark floats down park
My eyes will be simply glazed over
Or better yet
I'll wear shades on sunless days
And when the sun's out, i'll stay in and slumber
Oh, all for the sake of a foolish love

All for the sake of a foolish love
Cause i don't want to hold you and feel so helpless
I don't want to smell you and lose my senses
And smile in slow motion
With eyes in love

Evil Angel

For to see my depth of sorrow
You are not allowed to follow me
Into this town square
And then run away

Evil angel with your cleft tongue
When you kissed me
On this town square
All the lights came on at sunset
Thought you'd stay

Evil angel bearing apples
When you kissed me
On this drawbridge
As the boats do
How was I to know you'd flee

Tear down these monuments
Bury the coat of arms
And build for me a factory

Evil angel when you're faced with hatred's
Daggers in my honor
You're no match no scratching hearts that no longer bleed

Oh Evil angel tear down the monuments
Evil angel Bury the coat of arms
And rebuild for me these memories
For to see my depth of sorrow

-author: rufus wainwright-

Ecce Imperatrix

Verdwaald tussen éénpersoons wereldrijken

Ergert ze zich aan haar bestaan.

Roemloos loopt ze door de stad die haar

Leven koortsachtig in stand poogt te houden.

Ogen kijken sierlijk om haar heen

En geen mond beantwoordt haar weeklacht.

Door haar lichaam glijden aders vol

Eenmalig genot en doelgerichte nutteloosheid.

Rovers en woekeraars weten zich te sterken

In de schaduwen van haar kille mantels.

Noodgedwongen toont ze zichzelf in het

Geel licht van de machteloze zon.

-author unknown-

this is a text that I got from a friend who got it from a friend,

but I think this is to good and reflects me a while ago when suffering from terrible heartache.

So I'd like to dedicate this to sporty,

and us in happier times,

never to be forgotten,

1 romance and 2 lives forever changed.

naked on the white horse

Ride the white horse
don't stop
Faster, harder
Run into my future

I know you're there
looking up in disbelief
on this blue little stone i've been waiting
As I watched the leaves and dead wood burn

Naked on the white horse
you appear to be -surrounded by light-
and you pick me up
my savior from this desolate island.

Forever smiling
both are naked on the white horse
Faster, harder they go
into my future

amber rain

I am the falling amber rain
loss of all control
Shifting colors, changing shape
lightened by the summersun
Forever dreaming
birth, death and the reborn

Clocks in the dead wood
are still ticking into eternity
Remains of blood on my chest
washed away by the amber rain
That is still falling from my eyes
I sit down and overlook
the fallen leaves on our grave

Gifted child with the red ribbon
take this ball of fire that I've been saving
Burn the leaves and the dead wood
no amber rain can put the fire out
Take it red ribboned child
while I walk away under the amber rain

Two steps forwards, one backwards

For the ones still reading,

My emotional life is still twisting and turning, up and down, up and down...
*Sigh* It seems like there comes no end to it.
And I just realised, that maybe, just maybe it is the part of me that doesn't want to let her go that's causing this.
For the crazy people who can follow -good-
For those who can't, let me explain.

If I want to move on, I'd have to let her go.
And if I DO let her go, that means I'm over her and my emotional life becomes normal again.
But if I let her go now, there's no chance of coming back together.
So this part of me that's still hoping everything will work out and we'll be fine is keeping me from moving on.

So what do I have to do, to move on?
It seems to me I would have to give up hope.
Give up hope, now there's something to think about huh?
I've always been told to never give your hope up.

Hope means everything, it means survival for the human spirit.
Without hope, what would become of all of us?
Hope, an almost forgotten emotion, and yet a very powerful thing.
Think of the religics, these days catholics say they don't believe in God, but they still pray when things are going bad for them.
A last resort.

I'm no exception on this matter.
God alone knows how much I've been praying last weeks.
Praying to take the pain away, to make me forget, to make everything better, to get her back, just name it and I've asked the Big spirit up there.
I didn't prayed to God alone, no, I've been calling my grandparents and even my dog and cat to help me.
To stand by my side and to guide me trough this trial I have to go trough to become a better person.
And I believe it helps.

Call me weird, call me religious, but honestly I find it soulhealing.
The pain is still in me, but I believe they took a big piece for me and blew it into eternity.
And with all the praying that -obviously- I had to do, I searched the sky for the brightest star I could find.
Why? Well I named it after my ex, and for me it stands for everything I believed in.
It's a perfect resemblance of what she means to me.
Something you can't see all the time, but that's still there, and even if you can't see it, you just feel and know that it's there.
I find it a nice thought, that I can send all my love, and all my other thoughts to that star.

Btw: the star is the outher end of the big bear.

seeking redemption and the point of no return

Dear everyone

Well it's been a while since my last post so I'm back.
The last few days I'm starting to build my life back up, I guess there's no point being depressed.
I've been travelling in a kayak, saw the pirates of the caribbean 2, been out...
And although I'm still in a lot of subconcious pain, I'm learning how to cope with the loss.

Subconcious, yes you've read it right.
In my sleep I'm still haunted with memories of her, of us.
The bigger part of those dreams handle the subject of being back together and me being happy.
But, the truth is never far away, in a blink of my eye everything starts falling apart and I realise that there's no more us.
Wake up in tears, that still happens to me.

The good news is, that although the pain is not gone by far, I've given it a place somewhere inside me.
I still cry from time to time, I guess that's normal.
For the last two days, I'm doing as fine as I can be, the pain has gone to this place somewhere.
I don't wish for us to be back together anymore, and I don't have that craving that I need to see her (or to make her see)
I've given up, I don't wish to spend my energy on these things because I need every energy that I can get to deal with this situation.

Actually, I have listened to the monologue my ex had with me on the phone.
Yes there are worst things in the world, and yes I need to keep myself busy and not so hard focussed on my pain.
Although I was so angry on her the moment she said it, it has some truth in it.
And maybe the angry part helped a bit, it's easier to hate than to love.
I'm starting to build a shield against her, to drag her out of my heart.
I may seem cold and harsh now, but in this case I have to do everything I can to protect myself.

So I can conclude that I'm starting to stand up and walk away from this.
It's strange, and I'm sure I will fall many times but I'm sure I will succeed in this quest for redemption.
I will find love again, I will move on and I will live once again.
The filth will all be washed away, the stain will remain but in a controlled area deep inside.
Never again, will I allow her to come that close to the core of my being, I don't want to go trough all this again.
So this is the point of no return for me I guess.

I made it to the next level in healing the broken heart.
disbelief, anger, bargening, depression and acceptation, so that puts me in the anger box I think.
Only 3 to go..

the heartbroken writer.

Dear readers,

For the first time since I started this blog, I'm going to talk to you this way.
The last text/poem I made will be the last of my hand for a long period.
Why, you ask?
Well my inspiration for every word on this blog has left me, and I just can't cope with it.
That's why.

I'm lost in this world, I feel more alone than I've ever been.
And don't forget the hurting part, although I'm managing to live with it, to carry it with me where ever I go.
So why is that? How do you go on with your life when nothing makes sence anymore?
Why start looking for something to fill the hole of desertion in your chest.
Why can't I be angry on the hurter, for leaving me?

Instead I fall more and more in love with her as the days go by.
Last night I dreamed about my wedding with her, I saw every detail of it.
The rings, family, church, her in the most unbelievable sexy/cute way right next to me giving me a sweet little kiss before the ceremony begins...
And I was so freakin' happy.

Why is that? Why are we still together in my head? Even though I cry every time I realize it isn't so, I still hang on to us being together.
Not healthy I guess, but for that short while I pretend nothing has happened I feel no pain.
Frankly I would do anything to not feel the pain.
And every thing I do, hear or see, reminds me of us.
It's just not fair and I can't do anything to make things better.

I don't know how long it's going to be this way and that makes me panic.
I just want to see her, giver her a kiss and a hug and pretend this never happened.
I don't care what other people may think, I just want my life and my dreams back.
Many of you may think I'm going crazy by now (maybe I am) and that all this will pass, that I will go on with my life.
But I'm so afraid.
I'm afraid of loving her this much, that I can hardly bare the thought of not growing old with her.
And if I move on, no one can even get close to what I had this last 5 years.

I just can't breathe without thinking of her, I can't go to sleep before I txtmessage her, I dream of happier times about us, I can't eat without having the feeling to vomit, ...
Many of us have gone trough this, I know.
And maybe, just maybe I will find love again.
But I will always have regret about what I lost just now.
Always.

love -riapsed-

I believe in my love
tub ouy dellik em
and I'm still the same person
ylno won m'I touhtiw uoy
feeling like our first day together -such great love-
doodeg ijm tbeh 'g

I try -macy gray-

Games, changes and fears
When will they go from here
When will they stop
I believe that fate has brought us here
And we should be together, babe
But we're not

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feeling

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I may appear to be free
But I'm just a prisoner of your love
And I may seem all right and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
Just a front, heyI play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feeling

I try to say goodbye and I choke
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near
Goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

Here is my confession
May I be your possession
Girl, I need your touch
Your love kisses and such

With all my might I try
But this I can't deny
DenyI play it off, but I'm dreaming of you(but I'm dreaming of you babe)
I'll keep my cool, but I'm feeling

I try to say goodbye and I choke (yeah)
Try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near(when you are not near aahh)
Goodbye and I choke (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I try to walk away and I stumble (hey, hey, hey)
Though I try to hide it, it's clear (sick of love)
My world crumbles when you are not near (your love, kisses and)

Goodbye and I choke (I'm choking)
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide it, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near(when you are not there, yeah, yeah yeah)
Yeah, yeah..

the glass woman and the absolute silence

I am looking at your emptyness

standing on the edge of this huge black hole

you are the glass statue

I have to jump to reach

Absolute silence

Driven by madness that's inside

I make the jump

Over deep dark absolute silence

Where you are, I can not follow

Big treathening bushes are tearing me apart

scratched, bleeding, black eyed me

I'm running, I'm running

Grabbing hold of the image of you and me

Burning my hand -flaming eyes-

I'm running, I am running

Never mind the scars

shadows of you are around me

pushing me to go on with my search

searching, running, catching up (?)

Barely alive

Barely alive

Barely alive

Suddenly my skin gets ripped apart

From the glass woman

Fire in my eyes, torn apart, barely hanging on

I've cut my heart to pieces with the remains of my glass woman

As I lay dying and bleeding on the grass

She comes back and kneels

The last moment of us

And I dissapear in absolute silence

To my glass woman.

representing my feelings at this moment

scars and stains

I'm nothing but a memory of your mind

doubts and losing of faith

you ask yourself so much questions late at night

I'm sorry of what I did

in my heart you lay down

to watch me fall apart

Late at night

I am the screaming soul

the absence of words

Finally the mask has fallen
you reveal yourself to me
But what I hear -words tumbeling down-
take a hold of me

Biting, piercing, stabbing words

I am in despare
the cold grip of desertion around my chest
My fear turns into water
my lungs start to drown

Fighting, killing, absence of words

I'm on the edge of losing you
my lover, my friend and my life
And I cannot believe
That the chaos you've left
Is my own to begin with

Absence of words,
I'm afraid -of you-

liquid you, liquid me

Summer night
stars in heaven
Show me my path
that I have to follow

Come to me
bringer of light
Dismantle me
heavenly creature

Let me drink this liquid that you offer
given in a crystal glass
Poisening my mind -light headed me-
what is that you have there?

Take me or leave me
Oh wonderfull being of the light!
I will never doubt your liquid love
again I'm the victim of my crime

Is it wrong for longing to touch you
to have this feelings I can't control?!
Never mind me, I'm only a liquid substance now
Served to you in a crystal glass

Summer night
Lovers are apart
Winds are blowing softly on their skin
Both are nipping from the crystal glass.

thunder and lighting

Lights flashing
Sky is moaning
Inside me something is rumbling

Electric night
Soaking rain and ground
I'm the core of human passion

Gathering clouds
Gasping winds (breathing)
I'm setting my soul on fire

I'm flashing
You are moaning
Inside me you are rumbling

We're the electricity in the night
I'm soaking wet
We are the core of human passion

Feel the gathering of our breathing- climax
Gasping for air
We're on fire

Dedicated to my soulmate

trough you

Show me the real me
let me look at myself
show me how you see me
let me experience my impact on you

And I'll let you in
my warm embrace
and you will feel
my everlasting loyalty

leaving and loving

Your scent has faded
your touch is gone
All I have is naked
feelings are to strong

You and me
ever lasting
me and you
always remembering

Amber light is glowing
in the core of my soul
life is flowing
trough my vains, you must know

How I love your
kiss in the middle of the night
moving swiftly trough the open door
looking back, you've been right

Always caring
never stopped believing
memories sharing
all my fears are leaving

shadow

Shadow of the mist
creature of the night
What do you seek
other than a doubtfull mind

Soundless you arrive
awakener of souls
guardian of hearts

Shadow in the mist
creature of the light
where you go, I can not see
your mysterious identity

Suddenly you dissapear
leaving the unawared
a fading memory

dangerously close

Dangerously close
my eyes show my hidden feelings
secrets made in the dark
never to be told, never to be seen

Here I lay
with demonic whisperings in my head
unheard for those who not listen
Fearing your touch, fearing your sight
demonic secrets can not resist
the nearness of you.

So dangerously close you lay beside me
and I can not hide
Touch me and I'll show you
this madness that is holding me.

Teach me, for I hunger for your wisdom
Dangerously close to my exorcism
you hesitate by the look in my eyes.